Me redecorating every room in my mind
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I really had high hopes for this year though
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.