Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Netflix and awkward silence?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!