[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?