I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Ugh
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08