I like long walks away from everyone
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
taking June’s advice to heart