5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.