When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
huge if true: the moon
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.