Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
man i love columbo
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Spider-cat: No One Home
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“Sheer Arrogance”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.