A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?