After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My wife gives the best headache.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf