My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.