My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids