I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car