Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
shut up and take my money
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
peep davidson
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?