I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
But I really needed water water water
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]