My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
set yourself free xox
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.