Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.