I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
You Might Also Like
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Art by Pastelkatto
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy