I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.