My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
This came to me in a dream.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?