Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
🙂🙃🥹
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste