Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.