4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I have so many questions.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.