yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
You Might Also Like
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
A French press is when you hug naked
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.