I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Bruh PLEASE
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?