Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I see your IQ test came back negative
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.