Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
#ParentingFacts
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.