Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.