“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me