yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
how it started vs how it ended
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Beauty and the Beast
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.