Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now