[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
me when i see my girls butt
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling