*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
the short answer to this question
just pretend nothing happened
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.