Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
pelicons
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
why no one uses midhusbands
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.