So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m not wrong
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Where is your GOD now????
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.