Always the camel, never the toe.
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Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money