Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Left at a local drug store…
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.