Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Fluff me with a fork baby
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.