I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
You Might Also Like
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.