windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH