Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this