detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.