I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Lmao
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
me when the borders lift
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.