If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.