Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
No chill.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away