[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops