I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
🤣🤣
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Thanks to a fan for this one!
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
what does he know…
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot