my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)