I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
#damn
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit