Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Pretty much. 🤣
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist